The Moment I Knew
by smileysteph
Summary: You know the worst part isn't saying goodbye because I already know it's coming. I can feel it when I kiss him and realize that I poured my entire heart out just to show him how much I love him and he doesn't. I look into his eyes to read those hushed whispers of I love you, those quiet utters of I care but I can't. All I see are those words of him asking why are we still together


_**The Moment I Knew**_

* * *

He told me he would change. He told me he was the old Austin that I met. He promised me he would never go back to his old ways after he promised that night when he drove all the way from Sand Diego to LA just to tell me he loved me. And I believed him like I always do.

But old habits die hard. And I understand.

And it seems like we've gone back to our old ways. Where I stay back hidden from the world, as he demands everything for him. As he tells me everything is wrong. But he comes back and asks for forgiveness and I give it to him even though I know that we are turning into a tragedy.

You know the worst part isn't saying goodbye… because I already know it's coming. I can feel it when I kiss him and realize that I poured my entire heart out just to show him how much I love him and he… doesn't.

I know the ending is near when he argues over simple little things that didn't use to bother him at the beginning. But most of all, when I look into his eyes and try to read him like I used to is when I know he's changed and fallen back to his old addictions. I try to read those hushed whispers of _I love you_ and those quiet utters of _I care_… but I can't. Because every time I look into his eyes now, all I see are those harsh words of him asking me why is this relationship still… going?

Trust me, those moments and realizations hurt. It hurts to see something so beautiful crash and burn after all this time. But what hurts most is the hope that this is just phase. That things will get better tomorrow, that come tomorrow's dawn… things will be the same… that when I look into his eyes or kiss him… he'll be pouring himself to show me how much he loves me.

_But it doesn't._

As I look through the crowded room, I can't help but feel foolish. I can't help but feel stupid as I see everyone smiling and laughing as I spend my time watching them from a distance.

I haven't moved from the seat since I got here. I haven't done much besides small talk until my friends left to dance. I haven't had the chance to show off my dress; the one that I spent the entire day shopping for after he told me I should get better clothes. My red lipstick is still elegant. I haven't had an opportunity to make it fade or get messed up. My hair is still flawless since I haven't had the chance to disorganize it from dancing. After all, how could I when my dancing partner is missing.

I shouldn't be paying too much attention to the time. But the clock on the wall seems to be ticking louder than the music in the background. It forces me to gaze it every other minute. It is a constant reminder that he is still not here.

And it's a false hope as I tell myself that he's running late. The clock just makes me glance at the door every five minutes and keep my phone in my lap with the anticipation of getting his call. And with each second that goes by, I hold on to his words to give me courage; to help me withstand the fact that I'm waiting for him to show up. The words of, "I'd be there."

I remember when he used to tell me promises and he would keep them. Those moments when I could trust him instead of playing this game of truths and lies that seems to get us nowhere. I remember how he used to look at me like I was the only thing that mattered. He used to look at me like he needed me more than the air he breathed; more than the need to live. When he used to kiss me and mean it… not like how his kisses leave me restless now. Even when I hear him say I love you, like the first time… it just doesn't feel right. It doesn't feel right because it only leaves me wondering.

People come and go. They ask me how I've been. They ask me how he's doing. And I don't know how to answer. What am I supposed to say? That I feel like I'm falling apart in front of them? That I'd rather disappear from here and start all over again in a place where I don't know him?

Or do I tell them my restless wishing. Do I tell them how I am still hanging on by the loose thread that is centimeters away from breaking? How I know this story is coming to its ending but I try to extend it by only reading a word each day to make it slow down?

When I look at the clock again… I know he's not coming. It's close to the end of the party and he is not coming. He left me hanging in thin air. He knew I had the water up to my chin… and he let me drown.

I don't know what to do. I just want to leave. I want to be alone. I don't want to be surrounded by people who keep asking me to dance. I don't want the gleaming lights or the music. I don't want to be here alone. I don't want to be standing here with no one to impress.

I don't know what to do besides lock myself in the bathroom. I can already feel the tears on the brink to fall. I can feel my eyes getting warm and my eye sight getting blurry as I walk through the hall. Everything looks chaotic and weird as I walk by people who don't notice a thing. They just keep laughing.

I'm about to close the door when I hear someone shout, "Ally!"

And my heart skips beats. A small smile forms on my face. The doubts that were taking over my mind vanish into thin air as fast as they came. I whip a small tear and I open the door wide to see him. But when I look… it's not him. It's Dez with Trish. Both reflect the same emotion as their worried gaze makes me break down. It makes that sinking feeling that was starting to go away come back in an instant.

I don't have to say much. I just have to softly whisper, "He said he'd be here."

And as they share a quick glance to each other, they know who it is. They know who I am talking about. And I know they knew the entire time that he hasn't showed up but were hoping just for my sake, that he would. They try to comfort me with lies, but I can read right through them. I know they just want to make me feel better. And after I hear Trish say that I shouldn't be in tears when I blow out my candles, I pull myself together… just for their sakes.

But as they lead me back to the birthday girl's seat, each step seems so hard to take. It's as if it takes all of my will to move at all. Almost as if I'm about to collapse at any second.

And as I see the people cheerfully gathering around me, as the cake is brought into view, it takes everything of me to not break down. It takes everything of me to show the small smile that seems to be fooling everyone but Trish and Dez.

Then the lights are turned off as the candles of the cake bring the only brilliance to the room. And I look around the room. Everyone is singing, "Happy Birthday to you. Happy Birthday to you." But all I'm wondering is that they shouldn't be telling me this because there is nothing happy about this year's birthday for me.

And as I look at each face, memorizing the flickering light on their face from their candle, all I can think how this is the first birthday since I've met him that he hasn't been here with me to wish me a happy birthday. That he is not here to give me my birthday hug or hear his voice sing with the rest of the people.

But time doesn't freeze. It doesn't slow down to let him catch up and be here if he even plans on coming. It doesn't allow him to change his mind. But it goes fast enough to make me realize that this is the goodbye. This is how we're ending. This is where I read the last word from the story of our book and turn the last page to close the cover.

So I blow out my candles. And for the first time I don't wish for a miracle. I wish to erase any memory of him as I close my eyes and hear people shouting congratulations. That's what I wish for.

And as slow as time seemed to tick by at the beginning, it's all too soon when people leave the house and leave me alone… just like he did.

I don't change out of my party dress. I don't even take out my makeup nor undo my perfect hair due. I just go to the middle of the dance floor and soft whisper to the cold air, the stars and gleaming moonlight, "Happy Birthday to you. You're a hundred and two."

I say the same words that Austin has told me for the past years of our lives. And as if on cue… my phone rings. But I don't need to check the Caller ID because I know who it is. I know his voice to well to confuse it. I know him too well to make my birthday wish come true

I don't say anything when I answer him but he does. He softly says, "I'm sorry I didn't make it."

And at this moment he does meant. I can tell by his voice. I can tell he's been crying. And I wonder why he would be crying if he got what he wanted. He got me to realize that there's nothing left to say or do.

I already know that he's going to stop by tomorrow to tell me his excuses and broken promises. And I only have the words to say, "I'm sorry too."

And these are the hardest words to say because we don't get a sweet goodbye. We don't get one last chance. I only get a broken heart and he gets a guilty conscious. And this is the moment I knew.


End file.
